The Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Coffee Shop Tipping

There's a fine line between being a schnorrer and a sucker

It’s easy to be a schmuck in life without knowing it, especially at a coffee shop. These days the goal posts are always changing. No one knows whether to tip on this or that and how much is enough without feeling like a schnorrer on one hand or a sucker on the other.  

Who the hell knows how much the people toiling behind the counter get paid an hour – minimum wage? Tips only? Is it like bartending?

It’s anyone’s guess, which is why we need a universal modus operandi. And who knows more about tipping culture than Old Jewish Men?

In a lot of ways gratuity has more to do with guilt than anything else, which makes sense that bickering over an itemized bill is part of the Jewish tradition. 

French people are annoying, but they don’t expect 30% extra for frothing milk, even if you are expected to tip at your local Parisian brothel. 

Here are the 10 OJM rules for coffee shop tipping: 

1. If the barista steams milk to make your beverage, you SHOULD tip at least a buck. This means: cappuccinos, lattes, mocha whatever, cafe o lait, cortado, that kind of thing.

2. If you order a single or double espresso WITHOUT steamed milk, you are not required to tip, but the change in your pocket is nice. However, you are not a complete asshole for leaving nothing. 

3. For a hot drip coffee TO GO, a canned beverage, or an iced coffee in a plastic cup you are NOT required to tip. 

4. If you order food that requires heating or rotating of any kind, it’s schmucky if you DON’T tip at least the change in your pocket — this goes for paninis, a warm apple turnover, a warm chocolate croissant, turkey sandwich, and so forth.

5. If you STAY at the coffee shop for longer than 10 minutes you are required to tip a buck. This includes using the bathroom, making phone calls, or hitting on the barista. 

6. If you spill your drink and the barista cleans up your mess, tip them AT LEAST a buck. 

7. If you are a regular, we recommend tipping at least the change in your pocket on every drink no matter what. Also, if you do this they will occasionally give you a free coffee, which means you’ll break even over time. 

8. If you walk in and beeline to the toilet (and are in there longer than 3 minutes) without buying anything, make sure to leave a few soiled singles in the tip jar. 

9. If you’re one of those people who goes into a coffee shop while having a loud conversation in your headphones, holding a coffee cup from somewhere else, barking at the barista for a cup of water…and then get pissed when it’s not iced water…do yourself a favor and walk into traffic. Humanity will tip the car that does us all the favor. 

10. If you worked your way through an entire punchard you SHOULD tip on the complimentary drink.