BHIF: Cholesterol is a Myth...

She’s single, fellas! Over/Under/Sick of Taylor Swift. Honoring an OJW. King David. The definitive grocery store list. Dump Lenders.

Welcome to BHIF for Friday February 2, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Value of the week. Complaint of the week. You get the picture.

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People

→ Obit of the Week: Vera Klement (93)

For once, Old Jewish Men is honoring an Old Jewish Woman. Lucky us (seriously). Vera Klement, a painter who survived the holocaust, is dead at 93 years old. Ms. Klement, whose work often incorporated landscapes and poetry in her art, spent her artistic life grappling with a harrowing past. According to the Times, “Ms. Klement once said that she preferred that the meaning of her paintings remain ambiguous but that she understood that some are clearly sad.” Despite her melancholy, Klement’s work focused on trees and flowers in bloom. “Life always conquers death; the beauty of nature ultimately triumphs,” she said. To read the full obituary by Richard Sandomir, click here. 

→ OJM Matchmaking Spotlight: Dara Bruselovsky (23, NYC)

In her own words:

My name is Dara, I’m turning 23 next week, and I’m in nyc. Maybe my birthday gift this year will be a boyfriend?? [OJM note: Sorry we received this over a week ago, so this will have to be a slightly late birthday gift.] I want someone who is funny and kind but balances it with a healthy dose of sarcasm. Must be smart. Please allow me to review SAT scores. Someone who’s ambitious and supportive and can put up with my busy work schedule. Someone who’s interested in the arts (and maybe wants to help fund my short film?)! Someone who will let me love them too much and will let me cook for them and will be safe to take home to my parents. I promise I’m really cool and interesting. Ok that’s all.

Reach Dara at: @notdaraa

→ Lookin Good of the Week: Future OJM Max Chiswick (38)

If there’s one thing Old Jewish Men know nothing about, it’s outrageously priced Japanese fashion wear with the slogan “Strangest Comfort”. The retail price of this sweater? Get the defibrillator ready…a cool $1,125. That’s over four thousand shekels, folks. 

News

→ Sports: Aside from the Knicks delivering the Nuggets a crushing defeat, which Mile High losers say “doesn’t matter since it’s the regular season,” we’re gonna stick to football betting lines today. At press time Vegas has the Chiefs at +2, which means this game is anyone’s guess. It’s a toss up. The real action? Since everyone’s tired of talking about that bottle blonde, Taylor Swift, we’re doubling down. Our bet? How many times are they gonna show her in the box? OJM Sportsbooks have the cameramen at over/under 6.5. There’s some debate about whether or not they will show Swift more or less depending on whether or not the Chiefs are getting pulped. If the Chiefs are down 21-7 at half we’ll get to see what kind of performer Taylor really is. Now that’s showbiz.

→ The End of Curb 

Larry David has promised that this is in fact the final season of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Curb Your Enthusiasm’s 12th and final season begins on February 4th and runs through April 7. Well, if this is Larry’s last dance, who will succeed King David in Hollywood? Look at all those Davids…

→ This Grocery Store Ranking doesn’t make any sense. Someone asked us to evaluate this gibberish.

For those that don’t live in New York, don’t be shy about sending us your own grocery store rankings with at least a few explanations/criteria

The main issue with this list is that there’s no criteria. Maybe this woman is evaluating based on best grocery store soup? Regardless, there’s almost no criteria where this list makes much sense. Eli’s? Oof. From a value perspective, how could anyone put Fairway above Costco, especially if they live uptown? There are three Costco stores in New York: Long Island City, Sunset Park and on 117th Street in Manhattan. What’s this broad’s excuse for not going to the one on the west side if she’s futzing around Zabars and Eli’s? Who knows. And what kind of New Yorker wants to schlep to the Lower East Side to go up and down multiple flights of stairs at Essex Market. Does she have no regard for joint health? Maybe she likes jostling with tourists. That market is a nightmare, and it’s always packed! If it’s because Essex Market has a Puerto Rico Coffee, just go to Puerto Rico on Bleecker Street. Or better yet go to Puerto Rico. Get a tan.

→ Old Jewish Men is going to Montreal next week

Are you from Montreal? Where the hell are we supposed to go? How about having us over for dinner? 

It’s supposed to be freezing. Does anyone know a good bathhouse? What about the casino, is there a good poker room? We’ll be futzing around Canada for about four days. Why? We got nothing better to do. A friend once said that Montreal is the best city in North America if you aren’t super rich. In God we trust. Everyone else, bring data:

Value Guide

→ Market Roundup:

S&P 500: $4906.19 (up from $4894.16)

Hebrew National Beef Hot Dog: $6.49 for 6 ($1.08 a piece)

NIS/USD: 3.65 (down from 3.69)

Gas: $3.15 (up from $3.10)

Lender's Bagel: $3.69 for 6 ($0.62 a piece)

Gold: $2067.30 (up from $2034.80)

Uranium: $100

→ Classifieds: Need more customers? Need a shidduch? We don’t care what it is! Reach over 6000 subscribers (a few even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net. 

→ OJM Bargain of the Week: Fairway Avocados

Fifty cent avocados? They better not be those tiny ones that those scam groceries stores try to sell ten for a buck. 

→ Value Getaway: NYC to Palm Springs for $124 each way

These are prices worth getting out of bed for if you’re in the mood to dry out in an arid climate. Direct flights to the West Coast OJM HQ of Palm Springs. JetBlue and Alaska are offering many dates from JFK-PSP (Palm Springs) for $124 in each direction. The Alaska ticket includes a carry-on, but it costs an extra $50 to get a non-basic fare, and checked bags are also $35. Don’t forget the vaseline.

JetBlue JFK-PSP: 5:40pm to 8:59pm

Feb: 23, 24, 25, 26, 27

Mar: 2, 3, 4, 10, 11, 16, 17, 18, 19, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 31

Apr: 1, 2, 3, 6, 7, 8, 9

JetBlue PSP-JFK: 9:49pm to 5:43am the next day

Feb: 22, 27, 28, 29

Mar: 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 13, 14, 19, 20, 21, 22, 26, 27, 28

Apr: 2, 3, 4, 9, 10

Alaska JFK-PSP: 9:00am to 12:15pm

Feb: 22, 23, 24

Mar: 1, 2, 3, 4, 10, 11, 16, 17, 18, 19, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 31

Apr: 2, 6, 7, 8, 9

Alaska PSP-JFK: 2:25pm to 10:29pm 

Feb: 22

Mar: 1, 2, 7, 8, 9, 14, 19, 20, 21, 26, 28

Apr: 2, 3, 4, 9, 10

Weekly Mishmash

→ Complaint of the Week: Submitted by BHIF subscriber, Mimi Hess: My complaint is about people saying "bubbly water" instead of seltzer. It's anti-semitic. And yet, I've started hearing a lot of Jews saying it lately too. Don't get me started on "Shabbat Shalom". This is Yiddish erasure.

→ Joke of the Week: A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. - Henny Youngman

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi: 

Fri Feb 2, 2024: 

5:14pm: Shabbos Begins

8:33pm: Double Mitzvah Time 

Sat Feb 3, 2024: 

3:15pm: Post Lunch Double Mitzvah Round 2

5:58pm: Shabbat ends