BHIF: He Survived…
The fellas go LIVE. OJM street style. Jewish Couples Dance. The hell is the Brooklyn Center for Theatre Research?? Turn it up!!
B”H
Welcome to BHIF for Friday July 19, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. You get the picture.
Special Events
Suggested donations: the perfect way to make you feel guilty or ripped off.
Old Jewish Men Around Town
Bob. Hollywood money-manager, business man, newly appointed college executive hot shot and IBS survivor. To commemorate Bob’s gastro-intestinal courage we made this one of a kind hat.
Here’s Dave, one of the judges at the Old Jewish Men 86th annual Rotisserie Chicken eating competition in Park Slope. Dave loves his country, but he also loves watching strangers ‘clean bone.’ The winner? A fella named Danny who ate the three pound Costco rotisserie chicken in five minutes and two seconds without the assistance of water or bbq sauce. Danny’s $200 cash prize will go towards the purchase of a new sphincter. We hope to see you next year, big guy!
The fellas made the big time this week. There’s Aaron outside his greenroom at a top secret show that will air on July 22nd. Look for the fellas to shake things up on live TV. That’s right, they offended a busload of non-English speaking tourists who spent their hard-earned vacation time spectating the show. While some people call Aaron, Bob and Dave a public safety hazard… we call it a day at the office.
A picture of the rotisserie chicken competition thirty minutes before the chicken presentation. Is that excitement you smell or a Mister Wonton crossbreeze from down the street?
Click to watch Dave’s commercial for his treatise, the Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Eating, Sleeping and Futzing Around. Dave was a key consultant on this decades-long project that is sure to take the world by shuffle.
Old Jewish Men Style
Old Jewish Men bald slowly, and stylishly from the forehead. Rarely will you see an OJM with lustrous hair in the front and a bald patch on the crown. That’s what doctors call, a “protestant pattern”. Photos by Mister Mort.
Do Old Jewish Men tuck?
News
→ Costco Rotisserie Loss Leader Gone Too Far?, Seeking Alpha
Robert Castellano, known for his experience analyzing semiconductor markets, has moved on to analyzing more important financials. He estimates that each Costco chicken costs about $7. Pump the brakes. Don’t they sell it for $4.99?? That’s why it’s a loss leader, gents. He claims that while the new Costco rotisserie packaging (bags instead hard plastic shell) is environmentally friendly and saves on packaging and transportation, there are hidden costs.
Previously the plastic containers could be arranged on a table and the chickens delivered straight from the rotisserie skewer, but with the new bags this ain’t possible. This means additional labor costs. With the addition of the bag, it takes longer to go from cooking to packaging, which Castellano estimates comes in at about a buck a chicken, which cancels out the savings from the packaging and transportation. Overall, this seems like a fine deal since the environmental savings are “free”.
Uh…?
Castellano then claims that, “If 5% of the customers stop visiting due to the increased packaging and wait time, Costco could lose around 6.85 million customer visits annually. Assuming each customer spends an additional $50 other items, the lost revenue amounts to $342.5 million annually.”
So the idea is that 5% of people are going to stop shopping at Costco because they keep showing up at the exact time that rotisseries come out of the oven and can’t stand waiting a couple extra minutes for the cheapest chicken in the entire world? Fat chance.
Thanks to prediction markets at Manifold, Polymarket, and isitjoever.com we can know in real time who’s getting dusted in this silly race for leader of the free world. At press time, Biden has a 20% chance of staying in the hunt, fitting squarely into the “almost” joever category.
Marketplace
No coffee table or toilet-top is complete without the Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Eating, Sleeping and Futzing Around. No, not until it’s out in September 17th, but pre-order it now. BUY A BOX.
→ Jewish Dancing Couple ($100, Northridge CA)
→ Rabbi Bust ($30, Lake Forest CA)
→ Classifieds: Need more customers? Need a date? We don’t care what it is! Reach over 7500 subscribers (half even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net.
Weekly Mishmash
→ Market Roundup
S&P 500: $5546.40
Average price of 1bdrm in Palm Springs: $300k
NIS/USD: 3.64
Bucket of white paint: $16.48 (quart)
Single bottle of Goldstar Beer in Jerusalem: 32 NIS
→ Joke of the Week: “I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.” Rodney Dangerfield
→ Complaint of the Week: No Submissions this week. Where are your complaints?? Is life so good you have nothing to say??
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi
Fri Jul 19:
8:23pm: Shabbos begins
9:44pm: Double Mitzvah Time (still tired from last week)
Sat Jul 20:
3:33pm: Post Lunch Double Mitzvah Round 2 (she’s really letting herself go these days eh?)
9:10pm: Shabbat ends