BHIF: Is that Jew Biden…?

Bob C and Bob G. Enough with the art! It’s already time for another colonoscopy?? Dave and Nick. OJM Shluchim correspondent. Almost Hanukkah. Get off the can, Morrie, the end is near…

Nov 22, 2024

Welcome to BHIF for Friday November 22, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. Joke of the week. You get the picture.

How many Chabads have you been to?

The annual Chabad conference is coming up and Rabbis from all around the world will be descending on Brooklyn. The second most exciting Crown Heights event after the West Indian Day Parade.

We’re looking for a correspondent to get footage for OJM very early in the morning on Sunday Dec 1 in Crown Heights. Let us know if you’re interested by emailing info@oldjewishmen.net. Sure, you’ll get some cash.

OJM Around Town

Some Old Jewish Men eat like they’ve got two assholes. Others order at restaurants as if they don’t have a gastric sleeve. Either way, live and let live

Joe is out, but Jew’s getting another four years.

This photo was taken moments after this trio of future OJMs purchased options on a private prison stock that rocketed after the presidential election. Things are looking up!

Two Old Jewish Men inspecting their hero, Robert Moses’s handiwork in miniature form at the New York Historical Society. If it says ‘expressway’ Moses built it.

Bob and Bob. Gottlieb and Caro, pictured in midtown, coming off a week-long bender at the Plaza to celebrate Caro’s recent master bloodwork. Caro’s a medical phenomenon in the A1C category. That’s what happens when you switch to brown rice.

Aaron might be taller, but Dave’s mustache is ever so slightly bushier.

Dave and Nick Heller at an after party for Nick’s new nose and ear hair picker startup that promises to “pluck deep.”

Especially at restaurants. After ten minutes people know you weren’t just taking a leak. No one wants to be known as the guy who “craps out.”

Upcoming Events

Want your event to show up here? Reach over 11,500 subscribers (a few even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net!

Soon

Nov 24: Colbo (NYC)

Kinda Soon

Dec 1: Chabad Shluchim Photo (Crown Heights)

Plenty of Rabbis

Dec 1: Weitzman Jewish History Museum Hanukkah Market (Philadelphia)

A talk with New York Times big shot Jonah Bromwich followed by a book signing with OJM’s very own Noah Rinsky.

Later

Dec 8: NY Jewish Book Festival (NYC)

The prestigious NYJBF. Noah Rinsky talks with New York Times big shot Jonah Bromwich followed by a book signing.

Dec 19: Susan Alexandra (NYC)

Holiday Party with Carnegie Deli. Major value here.

OJM Art Corner

At the end of the day we all have to make tough decisions: throw cash at that hydrogen fuel cell pink sheet or shell out for something beautiful that can go on the wall. Email us of you’re interested in purchasing any of the art posted below. Don’t be a schmuck. Serious inquires only. We’re working on behalf of the artist here. And yeah, we get a commission.

Weekly Mishmash

→ Market Roundup

Dow Jones: WAY TOO HIGH (BUY SILVER, GOLD, PLATINUM, COPPER!)

Average price of a divorce in Boca: Whatever the cost, pay it. There’s no price for peace.

NIS/USD: 3.71

Resuscitation in America: Forget it. You’re on your own.

Neck Goiter removal, Palm Beach: $60k (depending on the size)

→ Joke of the Week: “Thin people are beautiful but fat people are adorable.” - Jackie Gleason

→ A complaint AND a rebuttal by OJM weekly complaint columnist, Leecy Davis.

Last week Danielle, 21, from Florida wrote this:

Here’s something that drives me fucking crazy. I hate when they name a coffee shop or a restaurant something stupid. I’m seeing it everywhere especially in the south they have this stupid trend of naming the place “something & something”—two nouns that are tangentially related at best. For example in the airport I saw a coffee shop called “Whiskey & Bowl”….what the hell does that mean? You sell $8 mochas and $5 pastries (which honestly looked pretty good) There’s not a whiskey in sight. And whiskey and bowls have nothing to do with each other. They don’t even sound good together, the syllables are off. I was seething. Grow up.

Here is Leecy’s response to Danielle’s complaint:

Dear Danielle,

It’s encouraging to see the next generation of OJW stepping onto the path of enlightenment. Complaining about the absurd is step one on your journey. Mazel Tov. Step two is learning how to survive only on air and spite (you'll get there, I promise). I couldn’t agree more with you, Danielle. But, what did we as a society expect? When people starting naming their kids things like “Phelony” and “Jream” we should’ve seen the writing on the wall. This new generation of business owner is so focused on the outlandish they’ve forgotten the best places are the hole in the wall, rundown spots where the name tells you exactly what you should order…think “Morty’s Reubens and Half-Decent latkes.”

Finally, Leecy’s complaint of the week:

Airport floors are disgusting. Yet, people let their kids roll on them like it’s some sideshow attraction. Have you ever heard of foot and mouth disease? Do you want your child to end up paralyzed in a wheelchar, eating through a tube? Keep your kids on a leash and in a seat.

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

Fri Nov 22:

4:32pm: Shabbat begins (on the 7th day gd created Cholent)

Sat Nov 23:

5:16pm: Shabbat ends (yikes. never that doing again)