BHIF: Our Mayoral Candidate...
Lick Flipping. Old Jewish Man gets ICED. Poll. Jew Balance. The Great Nosh. Official Spaceballs x OJM. Slow news day? Shabbos, again? Enough is enough!
Welcome to BHIF for Friday June 20th, 2025. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. Joke of the week. You get the picture.
OJM Political Desk
What are we looking for in a New York City mayor? Not a lot. So if one of these schmucks can’t get it done, we’re not schlepping to the booth. We got better things to do than sweat it out in some gymnasium at noon on a Tuesday. Noon on Tuesday? That’s the early bird special at Moishe’s Bakery: buy get 1 1 get 1 rugelach.
Rent caps for local businesses that have been around 10 or more years. Stop screwing these guys. Even mom and pop laundromats can’t stay afloat and you gotta be a millionaire with modern plumbing to afford a private machine. Enough is enough.
Government subsidies for diners and restaurants that stay open 24 hours. Why is this important? New York City is going the way of the Kmart on Astor Place - dead! Not even the metro card can make it in this city. You’re hard pressed to find a diner in midtown willing to fire up an omelette after 9pm. It’ll make the streets safer, the city livelier, and the food cheaper. That’s another thing, diner food from 9pm-7am will be half off because of the subsidies.
5 years hard labor and/or the death penalty for anyone who rides an electric bike on the sidewalk, unless the guy is delivering my food. In that case, hurry up pal.
Residential rent should be regulated, correlated to property tax and utilities. However, this should stop the moment I have enough money to buy my own building. Then I want a totally free market and the right to crank up the rent on anybody I damn well please.
Free child care so that grandparents don’t have to do it. Let’s face it, no one wants to hangout with babies all day unless they’re getting paid.
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…Around Town
Fashion Corner
The Weekly Shill
SHOP THE OFFICIAL OJM X SPACEBALLS SWEATSHIRT - (LIMITED RELEASE)
TIP TOP SHUFFLERS
Official OJM partner Tip Top Shoes of the Upper West Side is offering 10% off your purchase with the coupon code DAVE at checkout. They’ve got all the greatest OJM hits: SAS, New Balance, ECCO. Tip Top is the last true shoe store in New York City. They fit you, they size you, and everyone who works there is slightly annoying, in exactly the way a shoe salesman is supposed to be. Forget ordering your kicks online. Go to the store. Have a terrible experience, it’ll put hair on your chest.
Events
Author Noah Rinsky talks about the Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Eating, Sleeping and Futzing Around with Curb Your Enthusiasm’s Jeff Garlin and Rabbi David Ingber. Click here for tickets.
Marketwatch
Weekly Mishmash
→ Market Roundup
Dow Jones: lost count. the market is a sideways crabwalk of emotional instability. better to keep the bladder in check and stay in cash.
How much to tip your bookie after a windfall. Nothing goes straight up, and no one gets lucky all the time. Tip him this time and he’ll give you a break next year when you’re dead broke.
NIS/USD: NIS is tanking. 3.48. Buy shekels. It’s the underdog of currencies. Remember, the shekel is backed by a population of extremely caffeinated, slightly insane, very tan entrepreneurs.
Last week’s fight with your next door neighbor. don’t back down. You’re allowed to play your solo bass drum as loud as you want as much as you want anytime you want!
Seltzer after coitus: stick another one in the fridge, sweetheart. We’re going again!
→ Joke of the Week (George Carlin)
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating …and you finish off as an orgasm.
→ Wisdom of the Week (Woody Allen)
If you can’t do the little things right, you will never do the big things right.
→ Complaint of the Week from our in-house complaint expert, Leecy Davis
My mother is a serial meddler. According to her gay best friend, he’s not gay, she’s planned out my life for the next ten years. Good news - everything’s going according to plan, which is bad for me because she has to have something to fixate on. I’m an only child, if that wasn’t obvious.
The one area she’s decided I need her assistance is my love life…honestly, you should know where this is going. Baristas, her OBGYN, dentists, chiropractors, random retail workers, last night’s Uber driver, and her waxing lady who she tried to get a date for me with while mid-wax (the poor girl was NOT gay). She won’t stop! She’s even got her gay, not gay, best friend coyly asking me my ideal traits in a woman as if I’m too oblivious to know who’s pulling his strings. I’ve said for months I don’t want to date right now but all my mother heard was, “mommy, I need a girlfriend!”
I’m taking suggestions on how to shut this down, because if this continues I’m moving to anywhere in the Caribbean to escape her. She has demented conspiracy theories about sharks so she won’t follow.
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi
Fri June 20th:
8:12pm: Shabbat begins (time to pray)
Sat June 21st:
9:22pm: Shabbat ends (okay, that’s enough for now)
We need Lander to have an OJM graphic tee of him behind bars
FJM - Free Jewish Men!