BHIF: Pick your Bobby D...

The Daily Heller. Dylanologists. The New York Public Library. Geriatric latke eating. Introducing our new OJM Euro (Trash) correspondent. Happy New Year? Save BHIF!

Jan 03, 2025

Welcome to BHIF for Friday December 27, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. Joke of the week. You get the picture.

**NOTE FROM THE EDITOR** Due to mostly avoidable circumstances (inflation, accidental insemination, gambling debts, alimony), at some point we’re gonna have to start charging for this newsletter. We don’t know exactly when this is going to happen, but when it does you’ll be the first to know. That’s how it goes these days, eh? You give it to ‘em pro bono for a year, get ‘em hooked and then pull down the gate. Regardless of whether you decide to shell out in the future, we hope you’re enjoying the rag.

- OJM MGMT

You’ve got until the end of the day today, so get it out of your system. Unless you own a dry cleaning business…in that case you can say it to customers until the end of the month.

OJM Newsbreak:

There’s a new Bob Dylan movie set in what could be Dylan’s least important era., 1961-1965. It’s like making a movie about Bruce Wayne right up until the moment he puts on the cape. It’s a story worth telling, but an entire movie? The most impressive thing about Dylan is the reinvention. Like Miles Davis, Dylan putting on different wild hats and necklaces every decade — cycling through sunglasses, hair-cuts, women, accountants and religions. He never looked back; always future facing. Here’s a look at Dylan through the decades.

This is Dylan around 1965 after an eye exam.

Dylan after raiding his mother’s hat closet.

Dylan moving into middle age, yet still unable to grow a thick mustache. Coincidence?

Here he is with his wife, searching for his car keys. You can see the frustration in his eyes. You know he ain’t getting lucky tonight.

This is the Bob we love. He replaced the pre-pubescent mustache with a silk kerchief, a scowl and a bad hair-dye job. Prime OJM Bob.

More OJM News…

Noah Rinsky, the author of the Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Eating, Sleeping and Futzing Around sat down with author and New York Times big shot, Steven Heller to discuss his book. Click on the image below to read the interview.

OJM Around Town…

Who wore their winter hat better? Dave or that other guy? Not the yarmulke. The yarmulke isn’t a hat..right?

Esther made a rare appearance this week at the annual OJM Geriatric Latke Eating Contest in Midwood. She really is something…

Another Bob! Bob Balaban enjoying his first tuna sandwich of 2025. Here’s to another year of high mercury readings!

Aaron and the OJM intern waiting for the contest latkes to heat up at Mechy’s takeout in Midwood. Mechy was nice enough to provide us with the latkes. There doesn’t seem to be any reason why they’re holding the book.

Introducing…

We had a surprising amount of writers contact us last week about writing for BHIF. Desperate times out there, eh? Anyways, we’re kinda-proud, but still a little unsure to introduce a possible OJM mainstay to the team: Raffy J. A little background on our potential new team member…well, first things first he lives in Germany, and not just anywhere in Germany…Nuremberg. Yeah, that ray of sunshine. BUT, he isn’t German. Raffy J is from Jersey but happens to be a writer living in Nuremberg — how about that? Anyways, he’s got a lot of opinions and thinks BHIF is a good home for them. We’ll see about that…anyways, here’s to introducing our new European correspondent, Raffy J.

Can We Get Some Better Looking Public Menorahs?

As one can probably expect, since Hanukkah comes every year (even leap years), Menorahs were everywhere, all over the world this winter. And this year Chabad did not let off the gas. How does Chabad do it? I bet you could walk into the arctic tundra at sundown and find a guy shuckling in the lamplight. But all of these menorahs…even in my hometown of Nuremberg, or deeper in the capital of Berlin, where a menorah sighting is special and rare, I couldn’t help feeling that they lacked a little of that Hanukkah razzle dazzle — not a single one of the menorahs had any kind of chutzpah. There was no statement. They're all gold and flimsy looking. Maybe Chabad isn’t getting enough donations?

It’s not like this is the first year of public Menorah lightings, they’ve been doing it since around since 1973 in the US. So, you’d think that they’ve had enough time to get creative. Here in Germany, they’ve been erecting the same Menorah the past 20 years, but pink is just not the color of Hanukkah. The Menorah in Berlin claims the spot of the largest Menorah in Europe standing at 33 feet tall, and the Menorah in Manhattan claims to be the world's largest Menorah but stands only 32 feet tall. Chabad needs to get some new measuring tape…Regardless, it’s not too late to start prepping for next year. If they really want to make a statement they need to try to blow up some Menorahs like this:

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Noah Rinsky, the author of the Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Eating, Sleeping., and Futzing Around will be in conversation with Nick Heller, aka newyorknico, about Heller’s new book. Click here to make a reservation for the free event.

Weekly Mishmash

→ Wondering where Marketwatch is? Has anyone ever made it this deep into the newsletter? Well, we’ve got a surprise for you. On Mondays (or Tuesdays) we’ll be offering a totally unnecessary, bulked up Marketwatch. Tune in and/or conk out.

→ Joke of the Week (Andy Kaufman): “The more they hate you the better you’re doing.”

→ Complaint of the Week: Our weekly complaint columnist, Leecy Davis (Atlanta, Georgia):

Can we skip ahead to February? I demand it. We’re not even a smidgen of the way into 2025 and the number of resolutions I’m hearing is diabolical. Let’s go through a few of those earworms -

Go to the gym and lose weight - Yeah, right. You’re curling two chocolate bars into your mouth, one at a time, and chasing it down with some frappucino milkshake drink from Staburcks…while sitting in the gym parking lot.
Learn to Meditate - So you’re reverting back to preschool nap time? Cute.
Eat healthy - I didn’t realize a burger encased in donuts was healthy.
Read More - You’ve been on a third grade reading level since fifth grade.
Save Money - You’re constantly broke and incapable of ignoring any OJM sale…without intense therapy, I don’t see this fixing itself over the course of a year.
Get organized - You keep your spices in your junk drawer, consider professional help.
Be happier - Only the WASPs get that privilege.

Here’s the thing about New Year, New Me…You’ve been the same predictable mess for the past five years making the same resolutions you give up on after a few days. What’s new?
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

Fri Dec 27:

5:07pm: Shabbat begins (never eating cholent again…)

Sat Dec 28:

5:22pm: Shabbat ends (Finally, I can watch the Knicks)