BHIF: What’s Larry Worth?
Cereal is a scam. Is Seinfeld getting less bald? Patrick Jewing and The Globalist Championship. Get high and exercise. Everyone’s gambling. Shabbessssss.
Welcome to BHIF for Friday April 5, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. You get the picture.
People
→ Larry is Back in the Headlines
This week LD told Chris Hayes to shut the fuck up and stop speculating about his net worth. Makes you wonder if Larry was actually offended, or if the comedian is just really good at getting us to talk about him week after week. After all, the last episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm airs this Sunday, and here we are yet again, chattin about Larry. If Larry’s billfold is in fact lighter than 500m, he got taken to the cleaners in the divorce.
→ OJM Look of the Week #1: Jerry’s Hairline
Who knows. Maybe it’s all the weight lifting and transcendental meditation. Or maybe the billion dollars. As they say, you’re not ugly, you’re just poor.
→ Where did all the schlubs go?
Zuckerberg and other sweatpants and flip flop wearing billionaires stopped dressing like shit. It goes to show you how bored these guys are. Fashion is the last vestige of restlessness for the ultra-wealthy. They do this right before they crack. It’s a crisis of self. Just wait, in a year Zuck will be entangled in some nasty lawsuit. First it’s the sweater, then it’s sex trafficking. P. Diddy is a perfect example: he exchanged tracksuits for suits and now he’s going to jail. Expect to see Zuck’s house raided this time next year.
Suits: The New York Times wants to know: “Where are men buying suits off the rack?” We wanna know why men are buying suits at all? Where’s this coming from? Did Mad Men just get renewed? According to the article even Gen-Z is in on the movement, burning their cash on double-breasted suits. Anything goes these days, except bestiality. That’s still not cool, unless you’re in Portland.
OJM Around Town
→ Global Championship.
Mel, Fielder, Drake, Jackie, Fran…does it get any better? And the most exciting thing about these teams: their backcourts. A classic young-versus-old, fresh legs-against-experience face-off that’s sure to be a nail biter until the end. The game kicks off at 11am on Sunday.
Yes, there will be a t-shirt.
→ Business Lunch: Aaron and Dave enjoyed arguing at Costco on Thursday about whether the Costco hotdog was ever kosher. Well, it depends what you consider to be kosher. For Aaron, who is Glatt Kosher, the Hebrew National Costco served up until 2009 wasn’t good enough for him. Dave on the other hand has no problem eating Hebrew National and assures us he will have several this weekend fresh off the grill.
→ Old Jewish Men and Susan Alexandra Trivia Night
The OJM Susan Alexandra Curb Trivia Night on April 8 is officially sold out. We don’t anticipate spots opening up, mainly cause there seems to be no easy way to cancel, so no one’s gonna bother, but you can join the waitlist here.
News
→ Sports: Sure, there’s always a few bad actors when you introduce something as fantastic as legalized sports gambling. A few million embezzled here and there doesn’t mean the Feds made a mistake.
Legalizing sports gambling is the best thing that ever happened to unemployed people. These days, instead of working an honest job at Antonio's, the local pizzeria that got caught selling rat cheese last year, you can work from home. Remember, the thing you need to know about gambling is that you can’t really lose because it’s so fun (it’s called entertainment value!). So even if you lose a bet or two it’s still better than rolling out fresh dough or getting yelled at by Salvatore.
→ Cereal is a Scam: Anything that’s made in huge quantities is bad, except vaseline and urine. Prisons, buffets and hospitals aren’t exactly known for their Michelin stars. The problem with Big Food like General Mills is that it’s bad and expensive. You can’t be both, so pick one. General Mills has no choice but to push an agenda that discourages people from losing weight and shaming weight loss efforts. They do this because there’s no direction to go on the scale but up when you start the day eating cocoa puffs. Why do Old Jewish Men live forever? Because they eat protein in the morning: eggs and cottage cheese and kasha. Convincing the American public that cereal is a healthy breakfast is one of the biggest scams ever perpetrated. Well, that and the health benefits of jogging – the heart can only take so many beats.
→ The Other Bud Light: Dennis Rodman used to nip whiskey and gin in the locker room at halftime. Allen Iverson too. So if you thought getting high or drunk for your workout is original, you’re wrong. Top athletes have been doing this for years and it makes sense. Allen Iverson is a hall of famer! Dennis Rodman has five rings! Exercise hurts our bodies and produces anxiety. Forget meditation and all that other mumbo jumbo. Gulp booze and wolf pills to increase performance. Don’t worry about the dose, just take whatever’s in your pocket. Avoid lint, if you can.
→ OJM April Fools:
A lot of people, including GAP’s team of very aggressive lawyers, didn’t think this was so funny. Well, we’re still open for business so get our junk while you can, before the shit house burns down. One of these days we’re gonna buy you, GAP. We’re just waiting for that stock price to bottom out a little bit before we make a formal offer.
Marketplace
→ Stained Glass Oy ($40, Reisterstown MD)
$40 for this? Oy.
→ Kosher Chicken Sign ($300, Manchester PA)
Even with inflation, this beats the gentrified $28 half chickens at every Resy restaurant in Brooklyn.
→ Window of Opportunity ($5, Belleville NJ)
Put this up in your apartment and no one will know if you’re doing it ironically or not. Always keep your friends unsure about your true motivations.
→ Classifieds: Need more customers? Need a date? We don’t care what it is! Reach over 6000 subscribers (half even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net.
Weekly Mishmash
→ Market Roundup:
S&P 500: $5147.21 (down from $5245.35)
Hebrew National Beef Hot Dog: $6.49 for 6 ($1.08 a piece)
NIS/USD: 3.71 (up from 3.66)
Gas: $3.57 (up from $3.54)
Beer at a Mets game: $7.50
Taco Bell Bean Burrito: $1.79
Gold: $2278.93 (all time high)
→ Joke of the Week: “I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.” -- Louis C.K.
→ Complaint of the Week: Nick Stein (34, NYC)
For anyone who’s ever had the pleasure of living with a woman… you’ve heard them complain about men leaving the seat up. Well, what about us? Every time a fella’s gotta go he has to crank the seat UP because women keep leaving it down! So how about being considerate and lifting it up so that we don't have to touch the dirty toilet lip every time we gotta pishhhhhhhh!
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi:
Fri Apr 5:
7:25pm: Shabbos Begins
9:44pm: Double Mitzvah Time (give it your all)
Sat Apr 6:
3:33pm: Post Lunch Double Mitzvah Round 2 (better prep for this one)
8:08pm: Shabbat ends
Good for Jerry! If he can afford it GOOD! Why not? It beats shaving your head. Who wants to look like a cue ball or blind birds with the reflection??