BHIF: WHO DIED IT BETTER?
SCAN THE SHIRT! Cholent. Lieberman, Serra and Kahneman. Adios, arteries. Cigars. OPENING DAY. OJM, Curb and Susan Alexandra.
Welcome to BHIF for Friday March 29, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. You get the picture.
People
→ OJM Obits of the Week:
Vote below on the most important obit of the week.
The thing about Richard Serra is that he never wanted to be a sculptor; he wanted to be a painter. So, when you think about it, despite the fact that Serra recast sculpture on a global scale, and reinvented the medium, the guy was more or less a failed painter, just like Hitler. Oy. Too soon?
Richard Serra’s legend will be remembered for its sheer scale. He was one of the era’s greatest sculptors, “inventing a monumental environment of immense tilting corridors, ellipses and spirals of steel that gave the medium both a new abstract grandeur and a new physical intimacy.” He died on the North Fork of Long Island.
Daniel Kahneman was always a tough guy to track down. Friends said that he was an enigma, often difficult to get in touch with but that’s par for the course for someone so brilliant. So it wasn’t a surprise when Kahneman’s wife, Barbara, refused to tell us where exactly he died. We do know that Daniel was ninety, but we have no idea if he died in bed, on the couch, in the living room, on the toilet, or at Lifferman’s Deli, his favorite restaurant in town. Either way, we know that Kahneman, a decorated Nobel Prize winner is with us no more.
Joe Lieberman is without a doubt the most overachieving 5’9 Jewish guy in American political history. Had he been over six foot, we wouldn’t have been so surprised that he got on the presidential ticket with Al Gore, AKA the guy who might’ve been schtupping Larry David’s wife. Anyways, Joe did a lot of things in his life. Some of them were pretty good, and others pretty horrible. He raised a nice family, but also supported the Iraq War. No one’s perfect.
→ OJM Look of the Week: Dave and the ladies are gearing up for opening day. To celebrate the Mets first loss, Dave, Judy and Bianca puffed on a Partagas Black – Dave’s sixth of the day.
METS 2024 (or ‘25)!!!
OJM Stuff
→ Scan the Shirt! Dave went viral this week for refusing to hand over his chicken at Costco. Instead of letting the cashier scan the bird, he put the barcode on his shirt (buy your own here). Yep, it works. You can thank Dave for your new hands-free rotisserie checkout routine.
Item 87745 shirt to commemorate the historic moment:
→ Old Jewish Men and Susan Alexandra Trivia Night. Join us at the Susan Alexandra flagship store for the Susan Alexandra x OJM Curb Your Enthusiasm Trivia Night on Monday April 8 from 6:30-8:30pm on the LES at 33 Orchard St! It’s a whopping 36 bucks, but includes “pizza, booze, chocolate, and even beads” -- decent value! Buy your ticket here.
→ Around Town: Aaron had one hell of a time at Purim this year. When it comes to kicking up the rug, no one knows how to gyrate those hips like Aaron. Here he is with an adoring fan at Purim Fest last week.
News
→ Sports: Diamond goes down! Audiences witnessed the slaying of giants in the Shvitzin’ 16 aka the first round of Mensch Madness. Favorites like Jason Diamond from The Melt, armed with Red Aurbach at the helm, was toppled by _Gold_Salmon, a Groucho Marx led powerhouse. An even bigger upset was Real Jakob Patino, whose Ben Gurion coached offense was gutted by a nuclear Einstein /Oppenheimer backcourt.
Decent 8 matchups include black horse whiz-kid Patrick Jewing and his Air Bud lead offense. Jewing’s team faces off against Hugh Dalbec, a stacked roster featuring Dave at the power forward position and Sandler feeding down-low from the point.
→ Fashion is Dying. We started today with three human obituaries, but now we’ve got our work cut out for us. Here’s three luxury fashion sites barely sucking air: Farfetch, Matches Fashion, and the Net-A-Porter group are all struggling. It could be that the world is waking up to the fact that no one really needs to shred ten benjis on an undershirt.
→ Krispy Kreme and McDonald’s Clog America. The corporate braintrust at McDonalds and Krispy Kreme have one goal: clog as many American arteries as possible without getting sued. Food scientists who design this stuff know one thing’s for sure when it comes to fat and sugar: fast food addicted Americans will run over their own mothers for a limited run at their favorite chain. That’s why these guys are teaming up to bring three types of Krispy Kreme doughnuts to the menu: original glazed, chocolate iced with sprinkles, and chocolate iced “kreme” filled. Say what you want, but this makes McDonalds stock a definitive BUY.
→ NAIHM. After you finish scraping the sugar encrusted donut and chicken grease off your chin, head over to Chick-Fil-A to complete your ‘bang bang’ fast food experience. Only at Chick-Fil-A, are the birds freshly pumped with antibiotics. Don’t worry, the antibiotics are known as “no antibiotics important to human medicine” (NAIHM). What a country!
→ Kim Kardashian caught with her pants down, again. We always thought Kim was an authentic person, especially her older more artistic work, like the stuff she did with Ray J. That’s why we were disappointed when she got caught with a bunch of knockoff furniture. We wouldn’t be caught dead with fakes in our 300 sq ft studio – we only buy real Kirkland. Kardashian had an entire rig of imitation Donald Judd chairs and a phony table. It’s no surprise that Kim’s pointing the dirty end of the stick at her interior designers. Anyway, this all works out well for Donald Judd, the furniture maker. Who’d ever heard of this guy? But the question remains: is furniture fake if it still provides the same basic use? If you can sit in it, it’s real.
Weekly Mishmash
→ Market Roundup:
S&P 500: $5254.35 (up from $5241.30)
Hebrew National Beef Hot Dog: $6.49 for 6 ($1.08 a piece)
NIS/USD: 3.66 (up from 3.60)
Gas: $3.54 (up from $3.53)
Beer at a Mets game: $7.50
Taco Bell Bean Burrito: $1.79
Uranium: $88.50
→ Joke of the Week:
A lawyer dies and demands to talk to G-d right away.
- G-d, why did I have to die so young at 45, in the prime of my life?!
- Hmm, let me check our records, what's your name, John Smith? ... John Smith ... here it is! You say you are only 45? According to your billable hours you’re at least 112.
→ Complaint of the Week: Brett Willman, 42 (MN): “I’m shocked that Old Jewish Men hasn’t said anything about Costco’s new membership policy. Shocked! Are you guys aware that you have to be a card carrying member to eat lunch at the Costco cafeteria? It’s so authoritarian. You literally have to show your papers to get a hot dog. I liked it back when anyone could pull over and just get the combo. Aside from that I don’t wanna be in a club that would let a schmuck like me in it.”
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi:
Fri Mar 29:
7:18pm: Shabbos Begins
9:44pm: Double Mitzvah Time (give it your all)
Sat Mar 30:
3:33pm: Post Lunch Double Mitzvah Round 2 (only one bowl of cholent this time)
8:00pm: Shabbat ends
→ Classifieds: Need more customers? Need a date? We don’t care what it is! Reach over 6000 subscribers (half even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net.
WHY DO I NEED A PASSWORD!!!
K . Arffmann